Archive for April, 2010
Underwear Goes Inside The Pants..
by xts on Apr.17, 2010, under Misc.
Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is:
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What’s going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just:”bla bla..”?
“Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?”
Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day: The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?” “Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I’ll sit at a drive thru.
I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents!
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.”
We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.
Parerea mea..
by xts on Apr.15, 2010, under Opinia Consumatorului, Quiz
Avem un nou quiz. Imi pare rau dar sursa mea de inspiratie a fost o stire cu un politist care s-a sinucis. Din pacate, se mai intampla si astfel de cazuri. Insa, mi-a ridicat o intrebare la care as vrea putin ajutor: cand un politist se impusca in cap, ce anume isi zboara??!
The Generation Gap.
by xts on Apr.14, 2010, under Opinia Consumatorului
Sometimes it appears that we’re reaching a period when our senses and our minds will no longer respond to moderate stimulation. We seem to be reaching an age of the gross, persuasion through speeches and books is too often discarded for disruptive demonstrations aimed at bludgeoning the unconvinced into action. The young — and by this I’d don’t mean any stretch of the imagination all the young, but I’m talking about those who claim to speak for the young — at the zenith of physical power and sensitivity, overwhelm themselves with drugs and artificial stimulants. Subtlety is lost, and fine distinctions based on acute reasoning are carelessly ignored in a headlong jump to a predetermined conclusion. Life is visceral rather than intellectual. And the most visceral practitioners of life are those who characterize themselves as intellectuals. Truth is to them revealed rather than logically proved. And the principal infatuations of today revolve around the social sciences, those subjects which can accommodate any opinion, and about which the most reckless conjecture cannot be discredited. Education is being redefined at the demand of the uneducated to suit the ideas of the uneducated. The student now goes to college to proclaim, rather than to learn. The lessons of the past are ignored and obliterated, and a contemporary antagonism known as “The Generation Gap.” A spirit of national masochism prevails, encouraged by an effete core of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals. [applause]
The Pacifica Radio/UC Berkeley
Social Activism Sound Recording Project
Vice President Spiro Agnew Speech, Houston, Texas
May 22, 1970
Reclama Remora..
by xts on Apr.13, 2010, under Misc., Opinia Consumatorului
Am avut o idee geniala: sa iti faci reclama folosindu-te de notorietatea altora. (ideea nu e nici geniala si nici unica; vezi atatea mii de reclame in care apar celebritati) Insa ceva de genul “totcedoresti.ro” scris cu literele de la Coca Cola ar putea avea efect.
La fel cum ar putea avea efect un ad asa cum mi-am imaginat eu mai sus. Notorietatea Facebook e din ce in ce mai evidenta peste tot asa ca probabil 95% din cei targetati ar zambi la vederea imaginii. Sau poate ca in loc de “Share” ar merge mai bine un “Add as Friend”. Cine stie? Pe mine m-a amuzat ideea, oricat de idioata sau nu ar putea parea. Pe cat punem pariu ca o sa o vedem in curand?!
P.S. A remora (pronounced /ˈrɛmərə/), sometimes called a suckerfish or sharksucker, is an elongated, brown fish in the order Perciformes and family Echeneidae.
o data si bine!
by xts on Apr.12, 2010, under Personal
Paradoxal, cu cat cauti ceva cu mai multa atentie cu atat ai mai multe sanse sa nu il gasesti. Am si o explicatie pentru aceasta afirmatie.. Sa incepem (cu asta o sa si incheiem) cu relatiile.
Incepi prin a avea amice, apoi prietene cu care ajungi sa te saruti, apoi iubite carora ajungi sa le pui mana pe sani si cine mai stie ce, apoi relatii mai lungi sau mai scurte. La absolut ORICARE dintre femeile care ti-au trecut printre degete si prin inima ai avut chestii pe care le-ai iubit/apreciat si chestii pe care le-ai urat si nu mai vrei sa le intalnesti niciodata. Pentru urmatoarea iubita iti doresti pe cineva cu TOATE calitatile iubitelor anterioare si cu niciun defect. Devii selectiv si, inevitabil, te apuci sa cauti ceva ce nu exista. Dar habar nu ai ca o faci. O faci involuntar pentru ca esti om iar oamenii sunt egoisti si isi vor doar binele. Ai speranta ca totusi exista cineva acolo cu toate calitatile pe care le vrei tu. Si mai incerci una si tot asa. In fiecare vezi ceva de adaugat la lista de calitati dar in acelasi timp iti scad si sansele ca o asemenea persoana chiar sa existe si sa nici nu fie din cauciuc gonflabil. Cu fiecare relatie esuata iti pui piedica inainte de startul pentru urmatoarea.
Cu cat cauti ceva mai mult si mai mult cu atat e mai probabil ca iti va trece prin fata fara sa il vezi. Probabil chiar iti va taia si calea…
Am explicat. Iar morala mea este ca nu trebuie sa cauti nimic. Sunt atatea oportunitati care trec pe langa tine doar daca clipesti incat ar fi de rahat sa te opresti din cand in cand ca sa verifici lista. Nu esti la Kaufland si iubitele nu se vand in viu, nu-i asa?!
